That saying is crock of crap. After being gone all week, with both kids, I walked into a trashed house this morning. The kitchen had dirty dishes stacked in the sink and on the oven. The living room looked horrific and the whole house smelled. I am not amused. What was the wonderful Travis doing while we were all gone? he was out sighting in the scope on his gun for deer hunting. Again, not amused.

I had just spent the week telling my mom how much I needed him to help me out around the house. That I get too tired from working and lack of sleep to do all the cleaning by myself. I’m sick of being on a housework strike until things get so disgusting that I end up yelling and screaming at anyone who is near me. I can’t live like this. I WON’T live like this. I don’t expect him to do it all, but I would like help. if he starts the laundry…finish it. Put the dishes in the dishwasher and when its full…put the soap in and turn it on! It really isn’t hard.

it really occurred to me as I walked in the house, that I truly am alone out here. I have no family, no close family friends. I have in-laws that I do not get along with and I have my children. I have no one (nearby) that I can turn to when I have a bad day and I am thisclose to breaking down. I have never felt so alone. I went from being happy and loved this morning to feeling empty this evening. Funny how that happens.

I had a great visit. Seth is an awesome traveler. He did wonderfully on the plane. Never pitched a fit, used a quiet voice. It was like he was another child. The only iffy part was the 4 1/2 hr layover at JFK. And that was getting on my nerves, too. I have never paid over $8 for a whopper value meal and then also haad to see the calorie count. Oh New York…you are not my friend. I have a few posts in my head that I want to share from my trip, and I promise to try to not be a “mommy blogger”.

But for now, I’m going to go watch Tom & Jerry and snuggle with my little man.

And I don’t know when I’ll be back again. Actually, that first sentence is a lie. I will be back in Wisconsin on Friday. I’m leaving tomorrow (Monday) morning to fly to Maine. And, I’m taking both of my children with me. I’ve been going through a lot of crap lately and I’m beginning to think that I’m about thisclose to ending up in the padded room. So, what happens when you call your mom crying hysterically and are completely useless? She buys you a plane ticket, or in this case, plane tickets. I question bringing the kids, but in the end I think it will be good for them to see my family. Seth hasn’t seen my dad or grandma since he was 6 months old, which means I haven’t seen them for 3 years. Its time to go home and to heal and to become the person that I want to be…the person that I know I am. It is time to find myself.

I know that I got back home on Sunday and that today is Thursday. It has taken me this long to recuperate from the blur that I call my Florida sanity saver weekend.

It all started when I had to wake up at 3am to get ready and finish packing for my 6am flight to Chicago. I was texting Sheila the whole time I was waiting to board my plane. Once I got to O’Hare, we started texting again and we met at the gate and we flew to Orlando together. She was seat 20F, and I was seat 20A. We both had window seats and couldn’t convince anyone to switch. Once we got to Orlando we had about 2 hours until Janelle landed, so we hung out at the airport…cause we are cool like that. And, Sheila has discovered the wonders of Chick-Fil-A.

Once we got the hotel, Janelle saw Dawg and went over and said hi. We went upstairs, put on decent clothes and went back downstairs. Dawg and Mr. Fab were awesome and brought over another table for us to sit with them. I also got the pleasure of meeting the adorable Poppy. In case I forget later, she rocked the Princess Leia outfir and her boots were HAWT!! During all this, Karl showed up, as did Crystal and Christine. We went outside and made out (code word for smoking) and no, I don’t smoke, but certain other people do. Oh lord, i almost forgot to say that I also met Mike (also known as Canada). And we were waiting on Delmer. While all these meetings and intrductions were going on, we were sitting at the bar and watching people dressed up from Battle Star Galatica and Star Trek walk by. The hotel was also having a Vulcon convention!! Those people can party. Their room had red velvet tapestries on the walls and blinking lights….not that I walked into their room and looked around or anything:) Sarah finally made it to the hotel sometime after midnight.

Saturday was Avitable’s Halloween party. The reason that we were all there. I have never had so much fun at a party in my life. Hmm, kinda sucks to be me. Anyway, there was booze, singing, dancing, people all around, and more alcohol. Really yummy alcohol. Next year, I will not drink more than 2. I know that I am forgetting people that I met. I am having a hard time remembering blog names versus real names and urls. I know that I’m forgetting to link to a lot of people and I’m very sorry!!

I finally got to meet the “other” Becky and she gives great hugs. I also met Hilly. I only got to talk to them for about 2 minutes each. Which bummed me out, I really would have liked to have gotten to know them a bit better. I met Britt and her husband knocked my drink down my shirt. It was cold and wet. But, he did let me pour a bunch of ice down his shirt to get even. So, I give him credit for that. Sheila passed out and is mad that I didn’t wake her up….um, I couldn’t wake her up!!

Me, Sarah, Janelle and Sheila went from Adam’s house straight to the airport. We had 7am flights out. never again will I do that. Walking through the airport drunk and then starting to get hungover…not so much fun. Anyway, I had a blast and I can’t wait for next year. I am taking an extra day or two to recover and really be able to meet people! This was the best thing for me. It really got me out of my shell and forced me to talk to other people. Adam….thanks so much to you and your gorgeous wife for doing this!!!

 I leave tomorrow morning on a 6:00 am flight to Orlando. I have to do laundry, find my suitcase (its in a really good hiding place), pray and hope that the cat didn’t pee on the suitcase, possibly get a new suitcase, fold laundry, get stupid trial size shampoo and other bathroom things because I’m not packing big bottles. Plus entertain Seth and drop Taylor off at a Halloween party tonight. Its 4:30pm right now and I would like to be in bed before 10. I know, I’m a loser, but I just got done working 3 12 hours in a row and I’m operating on bare minimal sleep. I am tired, not feeling good, and bitchy right now. I anticipate a lot of temper tantrums and meltdowns tonight….most of them will be from me:)

I’ll be back Sunday and will update on Monday. I hope that everyone has a safe and fun Halloween!!

My inbox at work has been overflowing the past couple of weeks. In the titles of these little emails are words such as: training budget, 5th floor budget, expenses, incident reporting, and your password for this is…. You see, about a week and a half ago I accepted a mini-promotion. Kinda. I am going to be a fill-in clinical lead. A clinical lead is another term for charge nurse. Since I’ve only been a nurse for a year and a half, I don’t have the two year experience that is required to be a full time lead. So, to get my feet wet, I get to “fill in” a lead shift a couple of times a month.

We are in the process of dividing our floor into 2 distinct units, instead of being one huge one. When this occurs, the leads we have now will have to decided which side of teh hall they want to be on. This will all be occurring this coming spring. By then I will just about have my 2 years in and this is suppossed to streamline my way into a full-time lead position. At least according to my supervisors. We’ll see. So far, I am unimpressed. They have me doing all this crap that a full-time lead does, yet I only get $1.00 more per hour. That’s it. A measly dollar. I am in charge of a committee and have to spend time outside of work compiling data to present to the hospitalists (in-house doctors) and my management. This is something that I don’t get paid to do. It was given to me under the guise that since I am a clinical lead (and rememer, I’m just a fill-in), that I get to spearhead projects and committees from time to time. No one told me that it would have to be done on my own time and that I don’t get paid for that time.

The normal leads don’t take care of patients, they run the floor and deal all the BS. When I am working as an actual lead, I will not have patient load. But while I do this committee thing, I am functioning as an RN and still have a patient load. This makes things a little hard to do, but I am trying. I don’t want to come across as a dumbass to the doctors or my supervisors.

Well, I’m off to start a power point. Wish me luck:)

Awhile I wrote about Taylor’s friend Morgan. I would link to the post, but to be perfectly honest, I am too damn lazy to try to find it. Anyway, Morgan has been traveling down a very disturbing road and it has gotten much, much worse.

A little background is required before I go further. Morgan has been dating this boy, Christian, since the summer. They are in the same grade. Everyone is 13 and in 8th grade.

Ok, Taylor had informed me that Morgan has been sneaking Christian into the house and hiding him in her bedroom. Morgan will stay up and hang out with her family and watch TV and stuff. When her parents go to bed, she says goodnight and goes to bed. This whole while, Chrsitian has been hanging out in her room, completely unnoticed.

There have also been more days than I can count where Morgan has gone home “sick” during 1st hour and Christian has gone home “sick” 2nd hour.

Taylor has been upset about this for a couple of months and she and i have talked at great length about Morgan’s decisions and actions. Taylor is the type who once she learns about someone’s problems, she starts to own them. She has taken this to heart and she has talked to Morgan on several occaisions that wht she is doing is wrong, on many different levels.

On Thursday, Taylor came home from school and told me that Morgan has been having sex. Shit, know that I know this, what am I supposed to do? Do I call this girl’s mother, whom I realy don’t know? Do I just ignore it and hope that it goes away on its own? I had no idea, so I called my mom. She avised me to go to the school counselor. I let Taylor know that I was going to do this, and she was fine with that. So, Friday morning, that is what I did.

And I told the counselor everything. About the absences, the sleepovers, the cutting, and the sex. SInce these 2 are 13, she is required, by law, to get the school police liasion officer involved. Oh shit, again. I really had no intenetions of opening up a whole can of worms like this. But, with the police involved, the parents will be notified. These kids won’t be able to come up with lies to cover what they have been doing. I feel bad, and yet I would feel so much worse if something were to happen.

Now Taylor has been getting nasty text messages from Morgan. So, I’m going to get her cell phone number changed after school today. Taylor wants nothing to do with Morgan anymore. She doesn’t like what she’s doing and she doesn’t like that Morgan has lied to her so many times about things in the past.

I have such problems dealing with the fact that 13 year olds are having sex. I understand how her parents wouldn’t know. I don’t do a room sweep on Taylor’s room. She has never given me a reason to not trust her. Its so sad and so scary to realize the lengths that kids can spin stories to these days.

I know that I did the right thing. If this were Taylor, I would want to know. It still doesn’t make me feel any better about the situation.

Ok. I’m way too lazy and way too tired to attempt a real post. So, I’m going to do this meme. I stole it from Sheila, who stole it from Karl, who stole it from someone else….or something like that. Right now my linky button isn’t working properly, so I’m sorry for not linking to everyone’s blog. I don’t have the ambition to fight with my computer.

The rule is to answer each question with only one word.

1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your significant other? patient
3. Your hair? messy
4. Your mother? hero
5. Your father? strong
6. Your favorite thing? lots*
7. Your dream last night? endless
8. Your favorite drink? dr pepper
9. Your dream/goal? NP
10. The room you’re in? office
11. Your hobby? reading
12. Your fear? fear
13. Where do you want to be in six years? maine
14. What you’re not? athletic
15. Muffins? cranberry
16. One of your wish list items? italy
17. Where you grew up? alabama
18. The last thing you did? eat
19. What are you wearing? pajamas
20. Favorite gadget? none
21. Your pets? psychotic
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your mood? so-so
24. Missing someone? absolutely
25. Your car? big
26. Something you’re not wearing? bra
27. Favorite store? target
28. Like someone? yes
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? friday

I have way too many favorite things. My kid’s laughs, hot tamales, sleeping in, shopping….the list goes on:)

Yesterday Taylor and her best friend Morgan went to a “meet the new baby” kinda party. Her uncle (on her biological dad’s side) and his wife just had a baby. So Tay’s grandparents were hosting this event. While they were there, Matt (Tay’s bio dad) showed up with his wife and their 2 kids. Morgan sent me a text…..OMG! Your ex’s wife got whacked a big ole ugly stick a couple of times!!! That text made my night:)

I haven’t wanted to do much writing lately. Actually, that’s a lie. I have so many half written posts that I’ve lost count. I have pieces of paper in my dresser drawer that I’ve started posts on. Part of me thinks that if I don’t write it, then I don’t think it or feel it. The other part thinks that is I write it and get it ou, I will be able to process and move on. They’re all completely topics, yet they are all intertwined in one way or another. I just don’t want to talk them yet. I’m not really sure how to talk about them. And if I can’t bring itup to myself, then I really can’t bring them up to share with anybody else.

I’m about ready to close out my Twitter account and maybe even stop blogging. But in that same thought process, I know the second I do that…I’m going to want it all back. So maybe instead, I just might take a break. I haven’t decided yet.

I’ve had it up to here with my son. He has been so freaking sassy and naughty latley. I honestly don’t even want to be aroud him anymore. He hits, he kicks, he throws things. He’s constantly telling me that he hates me and he doesn’t love me. He’s drained so much energy out of me that I just put up with it. I don’t have it in me to try to stop him anymore. I’m thisclose to going on strike. I no longer want to be his mom. I just can’t handle it anymore. I don’t know what to do. I really just want to move fafr away and leave him with Travis. I’ve never felt that way about him before, but I’m very serious when I say he has drained me.

My 9 year anniversary was on Thursday. It was 9 years ago that I was almost late to my own wedding. I had forgotten my garter at home and I went back to get it. On the way back to the church, I had this huge feeling of panic come over me. So I pulled off onto a side road and waited for the feeling to pass. As I look back on that, maybe it was my own way of knowing what the future would bring. I often wonder if I never should’ve showed up to the church. How different things would be. All the “what if” scenarios have been playing a lot in my head lately. I’m not really sure I like the direction that they’re heading in.

The big Florida trip is coming up in a few weeks. And to be honest, I don’t want to go. The only people I’m even remotely interested in meeting are the girls I’m sharing a hotel room with. The other people aren’t friends of mine. I don’t read their blogs and they don’t read mine. The anxiety that this trip is causing me is undescribable. But of course I will go and I will smile and I won’t say a word about how I’m truly feeling on the inside, because that is what I do best.

This is one of my absolute favorite songs in the whole world. Just wanted to share.